The Super-Awesome Untold Misadventures of Grandpa Rome
by Blueninjamanga22
Summary: Everyone makes mistakes, and a certain empire has made more than enough in the ares of flirting, child raising, and simply doing his job. T for profanity.
1. Chapter 1

_**I got this idea quite randomly, but I've got to give my sister some credit for the idea. Not of the idea to make this story, but the idea that kind of happened in this chapter-thingy.**_

_**Now, since I'm using characters like Rome, Ancient Greece, and Ancient Egypt in this story, I can't exactly call the present-day Greece and Egypt 'Greece and Egypt', can I? Plus, they aren't really countries **_yet_**, are they? So they'll all be called by their real names. Meaning Italy is Feliciano, Romano is Lovino, Greece is Heracles, and Egypt is Muhammad. I know Egypt's real name is something else and Muhammad is like his middle name, but I like Muhammad. **_

_**Anyways, I don't own Hetalia. **_

_**~ *~ * 1 ~ * ~ ***_

_Rome's Reminders: you probably shouldn't touch what isn't yours._

One of Rome's favorite quotes in the entire world was "all roads lead to Rome." Not only because it was true (he _was_ an empire, after all) but because of the way it sounded so smart and sophisticated. And since people often assumed that _he_ came up with that line, it made him look smart and sophisticated.

And he loved his city, it was nearly perfect. The bright blue skies, the clear water, the clean streets, the public orgies. He especially liked the fact that cheating was on looked as a part of life. But even while living in this _ultimate_ perfection, he liked to get away sometimes.

And so, he brought Feliciano and Lovino over to their friend, Muhammad's, place for the commonly used excuse of a "play-date." In reality, Muhammad had a mother and that mother was _hot_. And he meant hotter-than-the-Egyptian-desert hot, not petty candlestick hot.

"_Egypt~_!" Rome exclaimed, holding both Feliciano and Lovino's hands.

Ancient Egypt turned, holding a piece of papyrus in her hands and a quill. She raised an eyebrow at him, as if his very presence was about to give her a toothache. However, she smiled, and offered a polite wave. After all, he'd done nothing to make him hate her.

"It's you, Rome," she said. "Hi"

"I was thinking our kids could play together," Rome offered, and then looked around. "Where is your son, anyways?"

"Come to think of it, I haven't seen him around," Egypt shrugged. "We've been focusing on this all day"

She gestured to the structure behind her. It was a tall statue that was, in a word, a complete freak of nature. It had the body of a lion, but its head was of a man. The man was wearing that crazy Egyptian crown and they even gave him that freaky-ass beard.

". . . It's nice," Rome said. It wasn't something he'd make, but it was creative and beautifully made. Egypt had always had a quirky sense of style.

"Miss Egypt?" Feliciano asked. "Where's Muhammad-Kun?"

"I brought him here with me," Egypt looked around. "So he couldn't have gotten far—" her eyes widened as she looked to the top of the structure, and she screamed. "_Muhammad_!"

At the top of the structure, pretty much dancing at the top of the lion-man's head, was a little chibi boy in an Egyptian robe. He spun around in circles, and the little boy looked like he was about to fall off the structure in seconds.

"_How'd he get up there_?!" Egypt shrieked, and a couple of random Egyptians lifted up their hands in self-defense, saying something rapidly in their own language. "_Muhammad, honey, don't move! DON'T MOVE_!"

Egypt looked like she was seconds away from having a heart attack. Rome readied himself, because the smart thing to do really was not to do anything and let Egypt deal with her own problems.

But Egypt was really, really _hot_, you know. And this was a great opportunity to impress her . . .

"I've got this!" Rome exclaimed, and like the crazy, sexy bastard he was, he began to climb up the face of the structure.

"Rome, you're going to get yourself killed!" Egypt yelled.

Rome ignored her, mainly because he had his entire 'you're welcome' speech planned out for when he saved the kid. _Oh, yeah, it was dangerous. But I did it for you, my darling. I'd climb up a thousand of those weird things for you. Did I say weird? I mean beautiful, like you._

"I've got him!" Rome shouted happily, scooping up Muhammad in his arms.

"Good!" Egypt looked relieved. "Now come down"

_Time for the 'you're welcome' speech_, Rome smirked, beginning to climb down the side of the structure.

_CRACK_!

Rome's eyes widened. _Fuck_!

He then fell ten feet out of the air, crashing into the sand and doing at least five backwards rolls. There was sand in his hair, his ears, his mouth, and thank God it got stuck in his eyelashes rather than his eyes (that would _hurt_!) Muhammad flew out of his arms and landed, quite luckily, in his mother's outstretched arms.

He didn't know if he expected a thank you or not, but when he looked up, Rome was greeted by a scowl from Egypt. She clutched her son close to her, a hand on her hip, her toe tapping fast in anger.

"Look. At. What. You've. _Done_." She hissed.

Rome looked up, and then chuckled nervously. When he fell, he broke off a piece of the statue. He wished the change wasn't so noticeable. Huh, a pun. _Nose-ticeable_. And that pun was only possible because Rome had accidentally broken off the statue's nose.

"Heh, heh," Rome smiled. " . . . I think it looks better this way . . .?"

That was when he got a kick to the face.

But hey, when it was from her, it was an incredibly _hot _kick.

_Rome's Reminders: you probably shouldn't touch what isn't yours._

_People may start to hate you if you do._

* * *

_**Sorry this was so short; I need a couple of more ideas for this fic. But it's got potential, I can feel it!**_

_**In Shades of Blue,**_

_**Ninja**_

_***BAGPIPES EXIT!***_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Rome's Reminders: **_

_**Don't Screw with Other People's Kids**_

"Greece!"

Rome had knocked on the door eight times now. The first time was flirtatious and lovely, like a "_hey, baby, I'm at the door_" kind of thing. By the second time, it was more like a "baby, I'm still here, but you're starting to fuck with my patience." Third time it was like "baby, I'm getting tired of your shit." Fourth time it was "dammit, baby, open this door!" And anything after the fifth time was something along the lines of "no more baby, open this door before I break it down."

"_Greece_~!" Rome exclaimed, pounding on the door. "C'mon, I know you're there!"

Before he could knock for the fourteenth time, someone answered the door. For the first second he was about to scream that it was a ghost, until he looked down and saw a little boy. The boy wore a Greek toga, and his hair was dark and unruly . . . kind of like his.

"Hi," the little boy yawned.

". . . hey," Rome overlooked the boy.

"I was taking a nap," the little boy explained.

"Uh . . . sorry"

"'S ok"

"Do you . . . do you live with Greece?"

The boy gave him a confused look. "Who?"

_Oh, thank Jupiter_, Rome exhaled. And then had a small realization. "Wait, do you live here?"

"Yeah," the boy turned around and picked up a kitten. "This is Zeus, and I hope he loves me as much as I love him. I'll never know, though," he held the cat closer to his face and looked into his eyes. "A cat's mind is a mystery, after all"

"Ok, creepy kid," Rome took a few steps back. "If you don't know who Greece is, how do you live with her?"

"I dunno"

"Maybe you don't know who I'm talking about," Rome clenched his teeth. "Tall woman, dark hair, she smells like olives all the time; and she's got this funny little curl on the back of her head—"

"Like this one?" The boy pointed to the back of his head, where he had a curl identical to hers.

"Uh . . . yeah," Rome said, carefully.

"Oh, Mama's not here right now," the boy shrugged. "But you can stay here and wait for her to come back, I guess"

Rome nodded, and then walked into the house. The little boy calmly closed the door after him and began to play with his cat. Rome found his way over to the living room and took a seat, and that's when the little boy offered him a drink. He asked for wine, but since the little shit didn't know where that was, he settled with juice.

"So, err, what's your name?" Rome asked, poking the bendy draw and the little umbrella that the boy had put in his drink.

"Heracles," he said.

"You mean Hercules?" Rome asked.

"No, I mean _Hera_cles," Heracles corrected. "As in Hera, the queen of the gods, Zeus's wife, and the goddess of marriage"

"You mean Juno?" Rome raised an eyebrow.

"I mean Hera," Heracles picked up his cat and began to pet him.

"So you're Junocles?"

"No, Heracles"

"But Juno's the queen of the Gods and all that stuff you said"

"No, Hera is"

"I think it's Juno"

"It's Hera"

"_I'm _the adult here, and I say her name is Juno, so it's Juno"

"Mama says that only stupid people call Hera 'Juno'"

"Well your Mama doesn't know jack-shit!"

"She also says that curse words are a stupid person's last resort for when they're losing an argument"

"You're Mama needs to shut the fuck up before she makes someone mad!"

"I think she already has"

"Ugh!" Rome slapped himself on the forehead and took an angry sip of juice. "_Fine_, where's your dad?"

"I don't have one," Heracles shrugged. "I just live with Mama; I've never met my dad"

"Does . . . does your Mom talk about him?" Rome asked.

"Not really, she says he's not worth the trouble" Heracles threw a ball of yarn for Zeus to play with. "Something about her not wanting him to meet me or something; I don't really care"

Rome began to sweat a bit, and then swallowed. This was the decision maker. "Hey, uh . . . how old are you, kid?"

"Six and two quarters," Heracles said.

_Shit_!

Rome rushed forward and then put his hands on Heracles' shoulders. "Listen, boy, and listen well: I am your _father_!"

Heracles blinked, and then said slowly. "You're . . . my father?"

"Yes, yes, you beautiful boy!" Rome hugged the chibi boy close to him. "How could that heartless woman try to keep us apart? How does she expect you to grow up without your Papa?!"

"Hey, are you sure that you're my—?" Heracles asked.

"_Of course I'm sure; I'd know my son anywhere_!" Rome exclaimed, beginning to tear up a bit. "Papa's gonna love you until you can't love no more!"

"What are you doing to my son?"

Rome looked up, seeing Greece enter the room with cat in her arms (probably for Heracles.) Rome sat up and then pointed an accusing finger at her. "_You bitch_!"

"_What_ did you just call me in front of my son?" Greece growled, letting the cat jump out of her arms and into Heracles'.

"You heard me! How _dare_ you try to keep me and my son apart!" Rome yelled at the top of his lungs.

". . . What?"

"You thought I wouldn't notice, didn't you? Well the show's over, little miss Director, because I have figured it out! And how dare _you_ try to raise _my son_ without a father? He needs my love to! I deserve to know him, to raise him as my own! Why would you even try to keep him away from me—?!"

"Probably because he's_ not your son_!" Greece exclaimed, slapping him across the face. The force was enough to make him stumble, and then put a hand to his face.

"Huh?" Rome asked.

"Of course he's not your son!" Greece snapped. "I never slept with you!"

"But I thought—"

"You were drunk, Rome, and I happened to be there. You thought that Lovino's teddy bear was me"

". . . Is that why he gave it to me?"

"Most likely"

"So, uh," Rome laughed nervously, turning to Heracles. "I, um, I guess I'm not your Papa after all"

"Oh, thank Zeus," Heracles breathed, picking up his new cat and scratching it on the head. "You're red like fire; I'm going to name you Hephaestus. Mama, can I make him some kitty armor?"

"Sure, whatever," Greece sighed as the little boy ran off. "Just don't burn yourself"

"It's not like I wanted to be his dad, anyways," Rome huffed.

"Aw, do you need a hug?" Greece asked.

". . . Yes!" Rome turned, tearing up in the eyes.

"I'm sure Lovino or Feliciano would gladly give you one," Greece said, turning on her heels and walking out of the room.

_**Rome's Reminders: **_

_**Don't Screw with Other People's Kids**_

_**You Might Think That You're a Father, again.**_

* * *

_**Was this too short? I feel like it was too short . . . **_

_**In Shades of Blue,**_

_**Ninja**_

_***BAGPIPES EXIT!***_


End file.
